Some things are gone others are gained

I know I have been a bit off the grid lately at least blogging wise (I am an official tweet-aholic and need a program). My husband this past Tuesday had surgery to help with this sleep apnea and snoring. For the past few months this momma has been one tired girl. Between sleep issues from my little guy and the snoring from the hubby I was more tired than when I had a new born at home and was getting up to nurse every three hours! Well after several sleep studies and doctor's visits my husband decided for a radical surgery to have his tonsils, adenoids, uvula, and part of his soft palette removed. For anyone who has had their tonsils out as an adult can tell you this is exceptionally painful experience...but to have all that out is bit time shit to say the least. So this past Tuesday we got up early (4am) and headed to the hospital. I did the good wife thing and stayed with him for most of the day in recovery and then came home to take care of the kids. Although it was hard to leave him, my kids needed me too. I went and picked him up yesterday and he has been home ever since. I have to say he is doing much better than expected...to be honest he isn't the best with his pain tolerance so I thought this was going to be a disaster to say the least. Well things have been going oddly well.....and then it dawned on me while getting my nails done. Yes, I am totally that person who drugged up her hubby and snuck out to get a mani/pedi while he slept it off. No judging!!! It dawned on me that for the first time in a long time we are ok...I mean both of us were really ok.

As many of you know three years ago Ryan suffered a horrible bout of depression and has been working hard at coming back from that. In fact this week he stopped taking his anti depressant and will be stopping his therapy sessions at the end of the month. I have finally begun after much time with my own therapist have started to get over what was one of the worst periods of my life. Having a one year old child and a severely depressed husband leaves some scars. Scars that make you doubt yourself and your ability to be a good wife, mother, and person. I have been spending my last few sessions not working on getting over this horrible time in our lives but working on me. I have been working on me because I am finally getting over the hurt and anger that has been associated with this time in my life. I have been working on how to accept myself how I am as I am right at this minute. Which for many women is a hard thing to do. To trust ourselves and love ourselves is not easy to do but I am starting to realize the valdity of doing so. So when getting my nails done and holding hands with a stranger for an hour I realized that I am ok. That what normally would have been a monumental task of taking a huge chunk of time off from work, planning to be out, doing the hospital thing, and the single mom thing while he recovers would have sent me over the edge. In fact a year ago when Ryan had hernia surgery I was over the edge. Yet, this time I have a sense of peace about me. That I am capable of doing whatever it takes and that it will be ok I just need to trust in myself and surround myself with people who can help me deal with the situation (thank you to my real life friends and the twitter gang for the mental release). I have gained the ability to know how to ask for help and allow others to get to know the real me.

So although my poor (very busted and sore hubby) has lost a few important body parts, I have gained the knowledge that I am strong enough to handle this or anything else that might come my way....