My Heart is Breaking for my Little boy

So I know that I have eluded to something going on at home and it isn't that I am embarrassed to share what it is, it is more that it is too hard for me often to talk about.  My son Master D has been suffering from some major anxiety.  It is something he has struggled with since he was about three and I know that I have mentioned this in the past on here but I have never really talked a lot about it.  Mainly because its not a big deal.  He has moments where his anxiety gets the better of him but we are well equipped now, thanks to a good therapist a few years ago, to handle his anxiety flair ups and we move on.  Well recently it has turned into a big deal.  My little guy has been struggling to sleep.  Not that annoying classic 6 year old I don't want to go to bed.  This is more than that.  For several weeks his sleeping has gone from a once a night pee break, to being awake hours on end.  I am not joking hours.  On the bad nights we are often up from 11:30-2 or 3 am.  

For a few weeks he was up constantly (like 15-20 times) saying he was scared or that he thought we loved his sister more than him.  Now at some level these are the things that he is thinking about but it is a classic anxiety moment.  I am anxious so I fixate on things.  It breaks my heart to see.  Our responses range from comfort, to threats, punishments, rewards, and there is always lots of tears.  His openly mine on my pillow as I stare at the clock wondering how can I teach 100 plus students on less than three hours of sleep.  The sleep issues ebb and flow. Some nights he is ok then others its is hours on end that he is up.  In fact last week we thought we had turned the corner on the issues and they started again.  His pediatrician agrees with our thought that these flare ups that involve sleep issues are related to growth spurts.  We noticed that when he has them he is eating more and often notice he is taller all of a sudden.  Yet, there is nothing definitive.  

I worry about him endlessly.  I can barely function how can he go to school and handle himself.  We have talked to his teacher and thankfully she has seen nothing behaviorally with him so that is a plus.  Yet, the lack of sleep and high levels of anxiety also make him super needy during the day.  Often we are so exhausted it is hard to meet his needs during the day.  Our parents have been helping out and we have been taking turn taking naps and sleeping in on the weekends.  I was so tired two weeks ago I had to take a day off just to sleep because I could feel I was at that point of breaking.  We will probably return to the child therapist should this continue for much long for a few more pointers on how to help our little guy.

It is just I am so exhausted it makes it hard to function.  It makes it hard to focus on my job and do all that I need to be doing in a really rough year for teachers in my district.  It makes it hard to eat right and exercise when I am so physically tired I hurt.  It is hard to think about healthy food and plan and workout when all I want is to lay my head down and rest.   It makes it hard to do those things even that I enjoy like blogging, twitter, or even knitting.  There are nights after the kids go to bed that I just sit on the couch…not because I want to but getting up is overwhelming (don't get all worried that I am depressed-nope just fucking tired).  The worst part is the sheer exhaustion is making it hard for me to do the things I know my son needs.    Which is endless patience, extra hugs and love, and more attention to get him through this rough patch.  Also, don't even get my started on how this leaves Miss J out in the cold in terms of getting her needs met attention wise


Yet there is another part of this that is crippling…and that is the guilt.  You all know I have been open about my eating issue….why do I have eating issues?…..to cope with my anxiety.  It kills me because as psychology teacher I know that a lot of anxiety issues are genetic so I feel guilty that this is all me.  I feel guilty in those moments where Dy is experiencing an anxiety moment/attack and the best thing as a mother I can do it let him work through it.  I know what it feels like in those anxious moments and how you feel like you are going to come out of your skin. All I want to do is scoop him up and make it better and I can't.  If anything my own therapy has taught me is that the best thing you can do when you have anxiety is to figure out how to cope.  As a child I had sleep issues and I joke that this is payback for what I did to my parents.  For me I wish that was just it….this is like a form of torture.  Why?  Because I remember what it was like to sit in my bed and have those same fears that he has, to feel the same way he does, and it kills me.  I know that the best thing for him is to help him learn to work through this in a healthy manner so that he can learn some coping skills, but it is hard.  It is breaking me…I am worn so thin.  Between the lack of sleep, the stress and guilt of the worry, and the regular demands of being a working mom has me in survival mode.

Those of you who know me in real life.  This is why I am not as social and why I am often hiding in my classroom or not really talking too much.   It is why I am not loosing any weight or talking about running much-I can't even think about those things yet.  Those friends and supporters online this is why as of late I have "gone dark" on the Internet.  I am hanging on desperately.  I know that this will get better, it did the last time he was struggling like this.  Just last time the other parts of my life were not as much of a mess.  

Please don't worry though-this was more of a need to get it out kind of thing rather than a I need saving sort of thing.  Although I wouldn't turn my nose up a virtual hugs or real life cups of coffee (or a pillow and a blanket for during my prep period on my classroom).  I hope all of my readers are fairing a wee bit better than myself.