So as some of you know since I have mentioned here and in post to be the next prior fat girl, I have been attending therapy to work on my "stuff". My stuff being that I have a lot of issues surrounding eating and dealing with my emotions in a healthy and positive manner. I really had been feeling good and feeling like I had been getting somewhere at least in the eating department. Then the stress and anxiety surrounding some recent issues boiled over. My hubby brought it to my attention last night.
I have been very overwhelmed with the end of the school year. I have more kids failing than ever and since I teach high school seniors that means that some of them will be denied graduation for the grade they earned in my class. Although I know this is their fault, it still pains me to have this happen. Additionally there have been a lot of changes at my work and they have been stressful. My son Dy is going to a new school next year and getting ready for that transition has me stressed (will he like it, will he have friends, did we make the right choice, how will we get him to the school), How will out summer go? Will it be a constant battle with my and my four year old? Will I be able to handle the stress of being a stay at home mom? Add to that a dear friend of mine is getting married this weekend and we have leave the kids for the entire weekend. This is scary in its own right but also most of the people at the wedding I haven't seenten years and this may or may not include a former best friend who I had a falling out with (we have since both apologized but are not friends by any means) so I am stressed about that. Finally, I have been having horrible stomach issues. I thought it might be lactose intolerance or a dairy allergy but my Dr. is concerned that it might be my gallbladder. This has me worried but more than that getting sick almost every day is not only embarrassing and inconvient it has been wearing me out. Mentally and physically.
When my hubby brought this up I instantly wnated to hit him because he has been doing so well in therapy it makes me a wee bit jealous ( really really jealous actually). I get pissed because after all this he is finally better and me (the one who held it together during his depression) is still struggling. I know sometimes he feels like I am not doing enough in therapy or that I am not being honest with the therapist, but that is not the case. The fact that I am not hiding in a corner stuffing my face with food over all of the above issues is an accomplishment within itself. Yet, if I am being brutally honest with myself I am no where close to where I need to be.
Lastely, the overwhelming nature of all of these things has me feeling frozen-stuck in this what do I do with all these emotions. If the time of year was differnet I would get my butt to the gym, call a friend and chat, blog...but this time of the year I can't even get in going to the bathroom most days ( except when my stomach is acting up then the bathroom and I are BFF's) let alone my usual coping skills. I know that this is what I need to work on....and I will because I am a fighter and I need to do it for my and family.... but sometimes I want to shy away from dealing with this and admitting that I am not as successful as I really thought sucks balls.
So yes I am doing ok in that I am not sitting here at my desk with hands covered in chocolate from binge eating at my desk (my former choice for dealing iwth anxiety) so instead I will continue to plug along and figure out how to deal with the stress that is my current state of being. I will keep everyone posted on my progress!
Thanks for allowing me to vent
